I am reading The Birth Book, and it is bringing about so so many different emotions and truths. All items I have felt before, but now reliving them in the safety of my own home I can fully indulge my tears, laughter, and thoughtfulness.
I had a special moment on the massage table the other week. I was talking with Barbara about why this natural home birth is so important to me and she helped me to find an even deeper meaning in it.
My decision for a home birth has many facets, and I will attempt to touch on them here.
1. Home water birth was something I learned of when i was a teenager and ALWAYS resonated with me in a deep way. i remember thinking..."wow, well that just makes sense". I am a Cancer and by nature, my home is my universe from which all things flow. This is quite simply the nature of my soul.
2. I spent several painful years dealing with some medical issues and the doctors who attended me during this time made decisions that were expensive, totally unnecessary, and in the long run were bad for my health! I have watched a lot of videos and listened to a lot of hours of lectures online that speak on the medical "industry" and how they go about making money. I can't go to my family doctor with out him pressuring me to get on a regimen of anti anxiety/anti depression medications. Because of these reasons, I do not trust doctors, nor will I trust the single most important day of my life to them. And that is the end of it.
3. It is no secret to most people I am close to that I had an abortion in August of 2006. While, at the time, it was the best decision I knew how to make, in the long term it has been a disastrous emotional journey that I have suffered in near silence at the risk of contaminating people's tolerance of my character. It made me hate myself, try to destroy myself, and hurt people that happened into my life. It has caused people to look down on me and make assumptions, and that hurts. I feel the need to feel every moment of this birth to repent for the life I took, and find a new strength within myself. A rebirth of sorts.
4. Finally, I spent a lot of years being a liar in order to attain pity and attention from men, friends, and family. I spent years on drugs, doing my best to drown out the feelings I had and the feed the anger I felt about the injustices I suffered during my upbringing. I hid from truth, I snuck around for the sheer adrenaline rush, and I deceived people in order to gain something. It is something I am now aware of and have taken the past 2 years married to my very understanding husband to make right and make better decisions. This is my chance to repent for that as well...to be utterly and totally present during this event and honor my child with the best birth experience I am able to secure from the universe.
This is my chance to do, the most important thing in my life, in the most honorable and self sacrificial way, so that my daughter will have a natural birth.
This is my chance to prove to myself that I can face this situation with bravery and embrace it as the holy and purifying experience it can be.
This is my chance to give my daughter the example of a strong mother, one who does not fear pain in the face of the greater good, one who is worthy of her love and respect.
This is my jumping off point for the rest of my life. It will be OUR day, my husband's, my daughter's, and mine. This is our day to break the cycle of broken homes, stop fear of facing reality, and be present and open to what the universe has to give to us.
The day my child is born, will be a day I draw from for the rest of my life.
If I can face this day with a focused presence of mind, body, and spirit, I will change my stars and change my life. I will be a better woman and in turn a better mother, a better wife, and a better human being.
This is my epiphany, I am sharing it because it needs to be. I hope it will help someone else find some hidden strength with in themselves.
I had a special moment on the massage table the other week. I was talking with Barbara about why this natural home birth is so important to me and she helped me to find an even deeper meaning in it.
My decision for a home birth has many facets, and I will attempt to touch on them here.
1. Home water birth was something I learned of when i was a teenager and ALWAYS resonated with me in a deep way. i remember thinking..."wow, well that just makes sense". I am a Cancer and by nature, my home is my universe from which all things flow. This is quite simply the nature of my soul.
2. I spent several painful years dealing with some medical issues and the doctors who attended me during this time made decisions that were expensive, totally unnecessary, and in the long run were bad for my health! I have watched a lot of videos and listened to a lot of hours of lectures online that speak on the medical "industry" and how they go about making money. I can't go to my family doctor with out him pressuring me to get on a regimen of anti anxiety/anti depression medications. Because of these reasons, I do not trust doctors, nor will I trust the single most important day of my life to them. And that is the end of it.
3. It is no secret to most people I am close to that I had an abortion in August of 2006. While, at the time, it was the best decision I knew how to make, in the long term it has been a disastrous emotional journey that I have suffered in near silence at the risk of contaminating people's tolerance of my character. It made me hate myself, try to destroy myself, and hurt people that happened into my life. It has caused people to look down on me and make assumptions, and that hurts. I feel the need to feel every moment of this birth to repent for the life I took, and find a new strength within myself. A rebirth of sorts.
4. Finally, I spent a lot of years being a liar in order to attain pity and attention from men, friends, and family. I spent years on drugs, doing my best to drown out the feelings I had and the feed the anger I felt about the injustices I suffered during my upbringing. I hid from truth, I snuck around for the sheer adrenaline rush, and I deceived people in order to gain something. It is something I am now aware of and have taken the past 2 years married to my very understanding husband to make right and make better decisions. This is my chance to repent for that as well...to be utterly and totally present during this event and honor my child with the best birth experience I am able to secure from the universe.
This is my chance to do, the most important thing in my life, in the most honorable and self sacrificial way, so that my daughter will have a natural birth.
This is my chance to prove to myself that I can face this situation with bravery and embrace it as the holy and purifying experience it can be.
This is my chance to give my daughter the example of a strong mother, one who does not fear pain in the face of the greater good, one who is worthy of her love and respect.
This is my jumping off point for the rest of my life. It will be OUR day, my husband's, my daughter's, and mine. This is our day to break the cycle of broken homes, stop fear of facing reality, and be present and open to what the universe has to give to us.
The day my child is born, will be a day I draw from for the rest of my life.
If I can face this day with a focused presence of mind, body, and spirit, I will change my stars and change my life. I will be a better woman and in turn a better mother, a better wife, and a better human being.
This is my epiphany, I am sharing it because it needs to be. I hope it will help someone else find some hidden strength with in themselves.
No comments:
Post a Comment