Friday, November 26, 2010

Our Birth Process

I am having another moment in our pregnancy stage that my skin feels stretched to it's limits and my tendons feel like they are slowly being torn from my body. All I want to do is rock my hips and stretch and look silly all day long.

Baby is growing big and strong ^_^

Tonight we are seeing what you do with ear phones playing into my belly. We started with some piano and violin pieces, they calmed down those big powerful kicks. Now Daddy has Bob Marley playing. Small intermittent kicks...and you seem to be huddled in the right side of my womb.

We had pizza for dinner at Lacy's house. You kicked big when you heard your cousin Ruby laughing and squealing. ha ha, she made me laugh loud. I laugh deeper and harder now than I ever have. I indulge my laughter...no matter how inappropriate and it comes easier now. I spent too long thinking laughing and crying hard were weakness and to be stifled or hidden immediately...

I spent he past week or so trying to take it easy. I had a head/chest cold and was so congested and terrified to take anything I basically ended up sitting on the couch in a frustrated daze for about 3 days in a row.

You like to push on my bladder a lot.

The contact dermatitis is FINALLY easing up a little. I broke down and picked up some topical Benadryl type cream, and I'm so thankful I did. It keeps me from scratching it open and allows it to heal. It has been such a miserable almost 2 weeks now...and I have a little way to go yet, but I think the worst is over.

I know that it is all worth it but the constant looming concern with bills is daunting. Not feeling strong and able to work and contribute is stressful and taxing.

But for the most part, I remain in good spirits and totally in love with my husband. Every day I look at him and think about how handsome he is. We laugh and snuggle on the couch and eat snacks and our house is cozy and snuggly and full of love.

We look at your swing and your toys and notice how empty they look without you here to play with them ^_^

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

A Special Moment

I am reading The Birth Book, and it is bringing about so so many different emotions and truths. All items I have felt before, but now reliving them in the safety of my own home I can fully indulge my tears, laughter, and thoughtfulness.

I had a special moment on the massage table the other week. I was talking with Barbara about why this natural home birth is so important to me and she helped me to find an even deeper meaning in it.

My decision for a home birth has many facets, and I will attempt to touch on them here.

1. Home water birth was something I learned of when i was a teenager and ALWAYS resonated with me in a deep way. i remember thinking..."wow, well that just makes sense". I am a Cancer and by nature, my home is my universe from which all things flow. This is quite simply the nature of my soul.

2. I spent several painful years dealing with some medical issues and the doctors who attended me during this time made decisions that were expensive, totally unnecessary, and in the long run were bad for my health! I have watched a lot of videos and listened to a lot of hours of lectures online that speak on the medical "industry" and how they go about making money. I can't go to my family doctor with out him pressuring me to get on a regimen of anti anxiety/anti depression medications. Because of these reasons, I do not trust doctors, nor will I trust the single most important day of my life to them. And that is the end of it.

3. It is no secret to most people I am close to that I had an abortion in August of 2006. While, at the time, it was the best decision I knew how to make, in the long term it has been a disastrous emotional journey that I have suffered in near silence at the risk of contaminating people's tolerance of my character. It made me hate myself, try to destroy myself, and hurt people that happened into my life. It has caused people to look down on me and make assumptions, and that hurts. I feel the need to feel every moment of this birth to repent for the life I took, and find a new strength within myself. A rebirth of sorts.

4. Finally, I spent a lot of years being a liar in order to attain pity and attention from men, friends, and family. I spent years on drugs, doing my best to drown out the feelings I had and the feed the anger I felt about the injustices I suffered during my upbringing. I hid from truth, I snuck around for the sheer adrenaline rush, and I deceived people in order to gain something. It is something I am now aware of and have taken the past 2 years married to my very understanding husband to make right and make better decisions. This is my chance to repent for that as well...to be utterly and totally present during this event and honor my child with the best birth experience I am able to secure from the universe.

This is my chance to do, the most important thing in my life, in the most honorable and self sacrificial way, so that my daughter will have a natural birth.

This is my chance to prove to myself that I can face this situation with bravery and embrace it as the holy and purifying experience it can be.

This is my chance to give my daughter the example of a strong mother, one who does not fear pain in the face of the greater good, one who is worthy of her love and respect.

This is my jumping off point for the rest of my life. It will be OUR day, my husband's, my daughter's, and mine. This is our day to break the cycle of broken homes, stop fear of facing reality, and be present and open to what the universe has to give to us.

The day my child is born, will be a day I draw from for the rest of my life.

If I can face this day with a focused presence of mind, body, and spirit, I will change my stars and change my life. I will be a better woman and in turn a better mother, a better wife, and a better human being.

This is my epiphany, I am sharing it because it needs to be. I hope it will help someone else find some hidden strength with in themselves.

Monday, November 15, 2010

A Trying Day

I wish I could remain on the "Cloud Nine" of pregnancy, but the past week is gone and with it, that perfect floaty feeling. ^_^

I tossed and turned all night, feeling so irritated and dry. My eye lids around my tear ducts, mostly the my right eye, is so so dry and swollen looking. My right eye feels like the lid is made of sand paper inside. Had a headache all morning, and then a runny nose, and until I settled down and sat on the couch I did not feel well at all.


hard to tell here, but the skin is crepe looking and the usually minute veins are swollen and inflamed :(


Along with that I had some kind of reaction to a product under my rings, and while the picture makes it look tame, it is a continuous annoyance.


Tomorrow I will try to get up earlier and get lots of water into me immediately. I am hoping that will calm the dry part. I have tried Aloe Vera plant and neosporin, neither of which works for long. It would be less terrible if I could keep my fingers out of it, but the itch is insufferable.

I had a nice surprise though, a friend of mine sent Runa a monkey plush named Smushy from amazon.com and she is so soft and cuddly!!

I wish I could be more gracious for this time to prepare for your arrival, but today, I want to have you here so my body will be less sensitive again. I miss having strength to do things on my own and multi task. I miss having a body that didn't surprise me with new ailments all the time! They used to be predictable and manageable!

Tomorrow is another day...
<3

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Resemblance Musings



I know it is likely difficult to see a resemblance here, but I see so much of me and my family in her face! Runa has yet to develope her little fat cells so we can see chubby cheeks like I had in my picture. I think I am about 1.5 or 2 years old in this image. I see similar mouth shape, nose and eye placement ^_^


maybe that one will work too since it's about the same angle on the face...

When my husband sees pictures of me when I was little, he remarks that he would certainly have had a huge crush on me as a little boy ^_^ He has always told me he dreamed of my face when he dreamed of "the one" *^_^* So now, Runa will get what I had, sort of. My Dad had it rough when he was little and his ideal woman in his life was his grand mother, Helen (my middle name is Helana because of it). Pictures of Helen and I are eerily similar! I have her jaw line and shape of her mouth. My eyes are farther set (a trait from my mother), and I think Runa, like me, will end up with some of the best traits from her family. And like me, her Daddy will melt every time she walks in the room because she is his beautiful little emblem of love and perfection. And that is how it should be!!! She is a lucky little girl ^_^



this is me with my Nana at around 12 months old...she is so beautiful ^_^



I love this one ^_^ This is Nana, Mom, and Joy Belle
My Nana always has the best sweaters!!

I will have to find a picture of Helen and put it here as well...it may be on another computer.



Friday, November 12, 2010

an excercise in pregnancy confidence







I woke up today and I wanted to feel confident and sexy in my stretching uncomfortable body. It's a mixed bag, from day to day. Some days I swear my legs are so swollen they look like sausages, other days I wake up totally in love with every inch of my little vessel.

My hips are a lot wider. My legs are really working over time with all the muscles stretching going on and they are getting a little stockier to support my low baby and tall torso. ^_^ It's been amazing to watch the changes, and I try very hard to do so with fascination rather than dread.

When she kicks it's so funny!! Tight little pokes across almost shiney belly skin. Sometimes she really get's going and it's like a disco ball, a glittering ripple of different shaped pokes! I know we both still have a lot of growing to do!!

Just about at 5.5 months now, which means just about 4 to go!! I can't wait to meet my little bean!


Runa, my mooooona


So we are approaching 22 weeks now ^_^


top: a pointy little hiney and a girl part = a Runa!
middle: a beeeeeg yawn
bottom: her pooty hoo vogue face ^_^



top: sleepy face rubbing, "what's that thing coming at my face for?!"
middle: some evidence of my jaw and mouth, a little nose and pretty eyes
bottom: her eyes are open here

my little girl's profile. that might be her daddy's nose profile...too early to tell on that yet. I love when her arms would move over her face and you could actually see her in full 3d.

this is the single most magical time in my life and I am terrified of the gravity of this tiny baby in my belly means for my future!! people keep telling me I'm going to be a good mom...and I think to some degree I believe them. ha ha, but I sometimes feel afraid of her! i know when I see her I will be in such an awe, no single thing will ever compare to it.

I'm already hooked on Runa!!

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Baby Ruuuuuuuuna!!

Well, my dear sweet child, you are going to be a loved, cherished, adored little princess in your mommy and daddy's kingdom ^_^

I am already so excited about carting my little angel around to fairy festival, Ren Faire, and aaaaall the other amazing things that make girl child hood magical and sweet.

I made it over to see my mother today and we had a nice visit. I had originally not wanted to pressure her to be at our home birth. I know that she is limited in her interaction with other people, and women especially. I think it will be a great group of ladies though, and that all in all they would make her feel ok. I was inspired by a home birth video I saw and the person who had the child was in the tub with all the ladies in her life around her who loved her, leaning over the edge, singing to her and the baby and mom was singing tooo!!! It makes me cry even thinking about that moment!!

She commented that she thinks I am in a totally different head space now than I ever have been and she is very impressed with the level of information I have gone looking for. It's nice to hear that from her. I hope that with where she is at in her life, maybe this can be a special and empowering thing for her as well.

So in my birth plan, I have the following people on the birthing "team" list. My mother, my mother in law, my sister in law, my midwife, my doula, and my massage therapist. I figure not everyone will likely be there the whole time besides the midwife. The ladies can take shifts as labor progresses and then I'm hoping, when she comes, my mom and mother in law and husband will be there. Those are the most important people for me.

My Nana was very excited ^_^ I think Runa will call her Omi, as my mom called her grandmother. I like Nana for my mom. I think my Dad wants to be Pappy, and his wife is Mimi. She will be about 15 months younger than her girl cousin (my step family) Adeline (Addy), she has a 6 year old cousin on my husbands side (Briella) and also Ruby who is 2 and a half now I believe so I really hope she will have plenty of girl family. Her cousin Quinten is 5ish and Eli is about 2.

ANYHOW, I had my husband film the emotional session at Womb with a View in Lemoyne, and I very much apologize for the quality...he didn't seem to understand what to do, and I forgot to tell him I want him to show all my reactions and the screen. *grr* but here it is ^_^


Tuesday, November 2, 2010

my babe...

You kick all the time, and I know I am going to be such a busy Mama.

I sometimes think about having to go back to work so soon after you are born and it makes me cry because even now I cannot imagine the thought of being away from you. <3

Even though your daddy and I fight a lot about money, we both love you so much. We are both so scared that we will not be good parents and it's our fear that makes us pick at each other, not a lack of love.

You are the greatest thing to happen to us both so far in our lives, before and after we met. We hope you will earn your respect and love and that we will not let you down as we feel our parents did. We want to give you a better life than we had ourselves. We want you to know who you are and be able to use your strength from the moment you feel it within you.

This is a video I took roughly around 4.5-5 months of pregnancy. Finally was able to capture some movement! So exciting.