two point five

Runa was 2.5 months Earthside as of Saturday. It has been a crazy ride so far!

When I think of her birth I am sent back into the incredulous state I was in when I looked down at my bloody little treasure for the first time. I imagined it differently, thinking I would be emotional and epically charged with some poignant moving emotions. Instead it was the deepest state of shock I have ever experienced. Wide eyed, charged with the intensity of the universe, and completely thunder struck.

One of many turning points during this last two and a half months. I look at her first images now and miss that little squish-shaped head. They are interesting little creatures...so tiny and so full of instincts and wonder.

Everything Runa does now seems like she has always done it. It gets harder to remember her when she couldn't hold her own head up. Her little baby body is dissolving into a chubby cherubic version of itself....a fat squishy baby with the best German cheeks!! She seems to be hanging on to the blue eyes she was born with. The centers are light blue like my friend Leah's girl were when she was a baby.

I wanted nothing more my whole life than to have a blue eyed baby girl. I also dreamed about a big brown eyed boy but that possibility has yet to be seen. ^_~

My friend Yana is pregnant!! I am so happy for her, this is her second baby. I met her when I was working at Ulta, she was such a beautiful pregnant vision. We got to talking and ended up facebook friends. I rented her birth pool when Runa came along. Now there will be 3 labors of love in that pool ^_^ Neither of us successfully birthed in the tub but have our fingers crossed for the possibility of one in the future!

I don't know how to feel about a second baby. I change my mind day to day. The timing would have to be right. I'm just starting to feel the liberation of wearing cute clothing, having more than just A beer, and fantasizing about art projects and new styling techniques. Another baby would just complicate finding out who I am with one.....I won't know for a few years. I do get a magical twinge in my smile when I imagine my brown eyed boy though ^_~

Runa is a feisty baby. She is incredibly sweet and docile when her needs and demands are met. She cries with an abandon I wish I had time to remember. Babies are honest if they are nothing else. Her eyes are hungry for every detail and she craves the vibrations of constant movement. She perches her wobbly little head on my shoulder and props a chubby arm under it and surveys her world....casually gnawing on her balled up fist and drooling down my arm.

I love her head! I rub my face in her tufted baby hair and kiss her constantly. She smells of cradle cap, baby slobber, warm silken baby skin, and sweet breast milk. She runs hot like her Daddy, so her sweat and mine are on a constant exchange. ha ha, Mama perfume is baby excrements. I love it.

Hope to have some pictures to share next time. Still working from the old lap top due to a crappy wireless card in my new one.

<3

Long Overdue...

I have so much to say...so much to catch up on...

Runa will be 2 months old tomorrow. I love this chubby little creature more than I have ever loved anyone or anything....it has been a beautiful, terrible, ever tempering experience.

I hope to post a birth story soon! I made sure much of it was on video tape. The basics include a 31 hour, drug free labor and birth, safely and comfortably in our home. She was absolutely perfect, her heart rate never faltered one time, my little fire goddess. Such a bright, alert, communicative baby. She breaks my heart and makes me cry with her need for my affection, care, and love. It is an intense and world shaking thing, being a mother.

I was highly idealistic before Runa came Earthside. I am learning not only about how to be her mother, but how to live my life all over again. This new life is such a delicate balancing act. I also am learning how to have a relationship with my parents all over again. I think I have managed to avoid any major melt downs, though I have had my moments of wanting to run into a wall repeatedly until I fall into a blissful 10 hour REM sleep...ha ha

I haven't the time now to really share anything else, but I have been in mind of my lacking blog attention. This is an I.O.U. for more baby goodness soon!

XoXo

A Joy and a Privelage

What a beautiful past several days I have had! Baby shower on Saturday, Midwifery Workshop Sunday, and another beautiful prenatal massage with my spiritual Mother Monday. The last leg of this pregnancy is looking up!

here are the past few days in pictures ^_^

Camellia's Sin Tea Parlour

That's Hope in the pink hat, my friend Diana to my left and my mother in law to my right ^_^

Beautiful favors and gifts. Diaper cake, tea cup mementos for the guests with tea samplings inside, and my wish tree, which I was later quite tearful over when I finally got home and unpacked all the generosity of my friends and family ^_^



me and my sister in law Autumn ^_^



This was at the mid wife work shop ^_^

top hand on Runa's hiney, bottom on her head

my midwife, Rowan, listening to her heart beat with a stethoscope

this is me hearing it for the first time, i have heard it with the fetal heart monitor thing, but it comes out very electronic this way I could hear the tiny valves pumping...I got a little tearful, it was amazing!

my doula Steph listening to her heart beat through my skin! apparently because I'm such a small woman and the belly is so tight, it is easier to hear her from right outside. I think her placenta being on the back of my uterus helps too...

another midwife having a listen ^_^

I felt so honored and loved at this event. I was so glad to help out and lend my baby belly to these compassionate nurturing women who believe in a better way of birthing. I haven't felt so special and amazing during my whole pregnancy and I truly feel blessed to have had the experience and able to share it with my unborn baby girl!

36 Week Belly Cast!

Jason and I did our belly cast tonight ^_^

What a neat thing to have ^_^

Jason wants to paint a rose on the belly with Runa inside it, then make the sky on the chest with how the planets/stars are aligned for her birthday. I love this man, what a creative beautiful sentiment to have for our child someday.

So, since we now have roughly one month til our sweet one's expected birth day, we have some loose ends to tie up. Making appointments like dental since our new health insurance just kicked in, and making final house arrangements in order to have new furniture by the time she comes along.

I have made the tough decision to have my 5 year old cats declawed. That happens later on this month. This only comes after being subjected to painful "love" kneading, playful accidents, and least important, the shredded furniture. When I was a single girl, my crappy furniture could happily take a beating. My baby girl cannot take a kitty claw with out it ending in kitty death...and it would be nice to purchase some nice new furniture and not have it ruined. I have opted for the more expensive laser surgery, which gives them quicker/less painful healing time. My kids are indoor predominantly, and when they are out cannot be trusted to avoid things like oncoming traffic, so Mommy has to keep them fenced. It's not something I do with little thought process.

Our income tax return is paying for a new sectional with chase, AND kitty de-weaponry, thank heavens for that extra bit of money. I am looking forward to sitting on a new couch that doesn't have flat lifeless cushions and ugly shredded arms. The whole lay out of our living area is going to change for the better, not only making it cozier for us but making it more enjoyable to have guests over as well. My mother in law is supplying us with a sectional-matching cushy rocking recliner also for breast feeding baby at all hours.

I am anxious to get our space in order! I prefer to have a cozy guest friendly space, especially since I am going to need a lot of help with Runa in the beginning. I also hope to be able to do some nice things with the yard space this year, including a potted garden and some minor landscaping. We have to address the issues we have with mosquitos and fleas, but the past tennants have been able to make it nice back there, so I am confident we can solve that issue in time.

Oh Lordy, Troubles So Hard

*sigh*

Well today was a hard day, and before I go into why I'd like to say that I'm ok now, and feeling really blessed to have people around who care. I actually sort of asked for help for once in my life and was happily greeted with encouragement and support. I guess I better surrender to that action because from what I hear I am going to need it a lot soon.

So yesterday I ate my cereal for breakfast and then brushed my teeth. I seemed to be crunching on something which I thought just might be remnants of my honey bunches of oats, but alas, after running my tongue around my teeth discovered that two of my wisdom teeth are actually starting to crumble away. They are on top so I never even noticed until now that there was anything more going on than all the typical things I read about in my pregnancy books. I expected the bleeding gums and gross taste. Heck I even got an expensive Sonicare tooth brush to help combat the woes of pregnancy mouth.

I wish I could just yank the teeth myself but I shall have to make an appointment with my dentist for next month after Runa is with us. I had been meaning to get them taken care of anyhow, they are tight against my mouth and nearly impossible to clean around. The gum line around both sets (top and bottom) is always inflamed and prone to bleeding.

Then last night I was noticing how every time I went to the bathroom, I would finish and come back downstairs and still feel like my urethra was trying to open up and let a little loose!!! Uncomfortable but nothing new considering my long history being prone to Urinary Track Infections. Well, later on that evening I sneezed and peed myself. Glory, glory, hallelujah, I'm incontinent. No not really, just pregnant, but this really wasn't fun.

I had my last blood test this week, got the results today and low and behold it was WORSE than last time!! It certainly explains the extreme tiredness I have been experiencing yet again. My midwife said I am still safe for home birth but JUST barely so. If I can't stop bleeding after I give birth to her, I don't want to risk a home birth (I'm not that stubborn) but this has been my dream!! I have practically demonized the very idea of a hospital since my time spent in one trying to figure out my UTI woes....so this is not good.

It is certainly easily explained, however. I had run out of my Floravital (a gluten free liquid iron supplement) and because I didn't read the label hadn't been taking it as I was supposed to anyhow (twice a day rather than the once a day I was taking it). I had some samples but was spacing them out and finally was out of those too. I have been eating pretty poorly due to feeling so tired and lazy.

SO, besides sleeping poorly, peeling cracked nipples, groin pain that comes and goes, and everything else I'm dealing with I now have to get my blood vital and strengthened in a matter of at most 4 weeks.

My mantra is that this is all preparing me for the real struggles associated with being a mother. That this is only the beginning and if I learn to surrender to it now and laugh, I will be better off in the long run. I understand I have the right to break down and have a bad day and just cry, and cry I shall! However, I also know that even the hardest of struggles will eventually seem small in comparison to the gifts my daughter will give me.

My love for my baby out weighs all these humiliating bodily actions. They are a part of this journey, meant to shape me into the strong woman my daughter needs me to be. If I learn to laugh at myself, I can teach her not to take herself so seriously that she loses sight of important things in her life. If I learn to ask for help, she will know it is ok to trust people enough to get help if she needs it.

Oh, Runa, you are going to be the greatest love of my life...and I am terrified and excited for it.

<3

Almost Ready

It's getting close!

It's got me thinking about the journey to this point....most of it seems hazy and frustrated but I attribute it to the epic transition! It has been magical, sometimes painful, frustrating, mind blowingly amazing, humbling, enlightening...completely worth it and necessary.

I love you, little Runa! Your Daddy loves you so much! He bought the material to make a cast of us while your tiny body is inside me still ^_^ he is so excited! I am so happy to see him light up when he talks about you. We have our differences, but one thing we know is how much you are loved! I'm so glad we share ideals on how to raise you and nurture you. I know it won't be easy but knowing that we support each other makes it a lot less daunting.

I'm so tired of feeling tired. ^_^

Not Too Long Now...

Well it's getting down to the wire...it's felt like an eternity but now all of a sudden the time seems to be flying! In one week Mimi is having our first baby shower at Camellia's Sin Tea Parlor. Then the following weekend Aunt Autumn is having one for you too ^_^ Then about 3 weeks after that is your due date!

I can feel all the outlines of your tiny body inside my belly. I can tell what is a knee, or a foot, or a hand...in fact every once in a while I can see the out line of fingers through my skin and I swell with pride and amazement! I can't wait to pull you from the water and feel your skin against my naked chest.

Today I mused about what your skin will smell like, and watching you make your way to my breast to bring forth my body's natural and innate ability to feed you. I imagine those first few hours of your life here, quiet and exciting...finding out how much your little body weighs, seeing the change in your Daddy and watching him experience the greatest love of his life all over again...only this time so much more so than our wedding day ^_^

My head and heart are filled with thoughts of tiny hands and feet...a fuzzy crowning head...tiny baby lips and toothless gums. I wonder how your cry will sound...and if all these active nights have anything to do with how you will be when you arrive (which is fine with me, Mama's a night owl too!)

Oh Runa, you are already so loved and anticipated...I just cannot wait to meet you. I was thinking about how while you weren't a solid, written down planned baby, in my heart I planned you before I even met your Daddy. I knew I wanted to meet Mr. Right when I was 23, and 2 months before I turned 24, I met your Dad! I knew I wanted to get married at 24 or 25, and December 6, 2008, your Dad and I eloped in Hawaii (I was 24). And finally I knew by 25 or 26 I wanted to be seriously considering pregnancy...and about a week after my 26th birthday, I found out you were growing in my belly!

Had we waited to plan a baby, I would not have realized that I am meant for greater things than dealing in sales and numbers at some soul-less corporate entity. I might still be earning an income and spending it all on clothes and "stuff" to fill a void I just couldn't place but felt so overwhelmed by.

Because of you I now understand who I am and how to make my life useful. I care for others in a deeper way, and I understand the importance of nurturing and health. I do a better job with being compassionate with myself. I waste less time with people who clearly have no intention of being helpful and positive, and devote more time to people who are connected with the Earth and who have a good idea of natural laws.

You make us whole in a way no one else ever could, our first little love. I continue to be in complete awe of how you teach me more about love than I ever imagined could exist.